THE FROG PRINCE - Revisited
an original adaptation by
Not so long ago in a land not so far away there lived a beautiful princess. Oh she pretty all right. Gorgeous blond hair that hung in a tangle of golden ringlets, creamy smooth skin, and sparkly blue eyes. She was everything you’d imagine a princess to be. But I must be honest with you. In one respect she was not very “princessy” (if there is such a word). You see she was, well, how shall I put it? She was rather spoiled. I guess maybe that just happens when you’re waited on hand and foot. Which she was! Why every time she asked for anything, her daddy, the king, would give it to her. You might even say that her every wish was his command. But even though the king was a soft touch, he did have his standards by which all princess, spoiled or not, must live by.
First, she must dress befitting a royal princess. “No problem, Father, just give me a credit card in my name and I’ll buy all the latest fashions.”
Second, she must learn to curtsy, dance the Minuet, and smile, even under the most trying of circumstance. The princess twirled around, moonwalked across the floor, and curtsied before the king. Smiling she said, (clenched teeth) “There, Father. Am I not the perfect princess?”
Thirdly and most importantly a true princess is true to her word. “Cross my heart, Hope to die, Stick a needle in my eye - I promise to keep my promises.”
But even with all these rules the princess loved her role as princess and was quite content to spend her days at the palace of her father - the king. Several handsome young men came to ask for the princess’s hand, but she knew she had a good thing and she snubbed the best of them.
One of the things the Princess loved to do was to spend time in her back yard. Oh the backyard of the palace was a great place. It was one huge garden with lots of nooks and crannies, fountains and flowers, birds and banyan trees.
One of her favorite games was tossing her golden ball high into the air and catching it. She had quite a good arm (word had it that the Cincinnati Reds were going to sign her for next season - but don’t quote me on that.) Why that ball would go higher and higher into the air. She fancied herself to be the royal juggler playing before the King. Well, one day the ball went higher than it had ever gone before, and when she looked up to catch it, the sun got in her eyes. It fell from the sky like a golden comet and landed, in all places, in the wishing well. It crashed right through the roof of the well and down, down, down it fell “KERSPLASH-A” into the deep, deep water below.
Oh, no. That was her favorite ball! What would she ever do? Well, she did what every blue-blooded princess would do - she cried. (boo-hoo) and she cried (boo-hoo) and she cried (boo-hoo). She was crying so hard and so fast that she didn’t even notice that someone or should I say something was watching her.
Finally, when her crying was down to a few simpering sniffles, she heard a voice …a rather froggy voice say… “Excuse me, excuse me…excuse me?”
The Princess looked all about the royal garden and there was no one there…Except a rather warty, a rather bug-eyed, a rather…green looking frog who was staring right at the Princess. “Did you say something?”
“Yes, yes…yes I did. I was wondering why you were crying?”
“Well, I’m crying because my beautiful golden ball - a gift from my father, the King, has fallen from the sky and landed in all places at the bottom of this icky well.”
“Why don’t you just ask daddy, I mean the King, for another one.”
“I don’t think so. You see that’s the third golden ball I’ve lost this month and even my father has his limits.”
“I see. But that’s still nothing to cry about. Why I could get that ball out faster than you can say “Jack Ribbit-son.”
“That’s very kind of you. I would be most appreciative, and I’m sure my father, the King, could you award you a medal or your own kingdom, or something.”
“I don’t want to seem ungrateful, your royal highness, but I had something else in mind.”
“Oh, I knew it you frogs are all alike trying to trick the poor princess out her hard earned gold, jewelry and diamond tiara.”
“Not to seem difficult but gold and jewels aren’t my thing and a tiara would look a bit much on me, don’t you think?”
“Quite right, Froggy. But what can I possible give you that would repay you for such a daring deed?”
“Its quite simple. Just let me be your friend, and sit next to your plate when you eat, and drink from your cup and let me rest my weary head on your silken pillow at night.”
“Oooooo! Gross! No way, Jose.”
“Fine by me. I’ll see you at the next swamp meet.”
“Wait a minute. I’ve changed my mind. I simply must have that gold ball. So I promise.”
“I don’t mean to be distrustful of a beautiful princess in distress and all. But would you mind saying out loud exactly what you promised.”
“Oh, all right. I do hereby promise, scouts honor, cross my heart and hope to croak (pardon the pun) that I will let you be my friend.”
“And you can sit next to my plate while I eat.”
“And, I promise that you may rest your weary head on my silken pillow at night. Is that everything?’
“I think you’ve got it.”
“Now, will you go get it?”
“Back in a flash.”
And sure enough, before one could say “Jack Robinson, he was back with a great golden ball strapped to his back.
“Here you are, Princess.”
The Princess was delighted. “Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you.”
“It was nothing. But now that we are friends perhaps we could play a game of croquet?
“Oh, I’m sorry, froggie, I’d just love to stay and play, but, ah, I really have to get to the royal hairdresser. She’s, ah, fixing my hair in a French braid, and I, ah, don’t have time…but maybe tomorrow bub-bye.”
And before the frog could say another word, she was gone.
Well, as you probably guessed, the princess did not have a hair appointment. She just used that as an excuse to get away from that annoying frog.
Soon it was time for dinner. The cooks outdid themselves. Everyone was seated and ready to take the first bite when they all heard a rather soft, yet distinctive, scratching at the royal door that led into the royal banquet room. (scritch, scritch, scratch repeat)
Finally the king bellowed. “Will someone find out what is making that infernal noise?”
There was a scurry of activity with lots of bowing and “yes sirs” and “right away your majesties”. Finally someone opened the door.
“Your Majesty, there is a certain Sir Toad of Avalon that requests your immediate attention.”
“Very well, show him to the table.”
Sir Toad of Avalon as you have probably guessed was the very toad that had recently salvaged the golden ball in yonder garden not a hour before.
Now the king, who had a politician’s heart, greeted the toad with every bit of royal courtesy he could muster said, “Sir Toad, it is my pleasure to see you. But pray tell, what is such an important matter that it can’t wait.”
Now to shorten this story up a bit - I’m not going tell you what he said, then she said, then it said - No, just let it be said that when all the dust had settled, the king made the princess prove he was a real friend to this frog by kissing him on his pink, cold, rubbery lips and letting him sit at her plate as she had promised. So the frog sat quite comfortably on the edge of the princess’s plate as she tried to eat. I say tried because she had lost her appetite whilst trying to eat her guacamole and lime sherbet.
After a rather tortuous meal, the princess finally got up and poste haste - made her way to her bedroom. Which I assume you know that the frog was hopping at her heals. And before she could slam the door the frog hopped in and up onto her lace canopied bed.
“I think you must have forgotten what your father (ahem) the king, told you.”
“I have not forgotten what my father the (ahem the King, told me, ‘a promise is a promise, is a promise yadda, yadda, yadda.’”
“Well, you were listening. So, I’ll just put on my blue jammies and meet you on your pillow.”
That did it. The princess had had enough. First, she loses the golden ball through no fault of her own. Then she had to make promises to a frog no less - that she had no intention of keeping. Then she had to kiss him on his slimy frog lips just to prove that this amphibian was her friend. Then she missed out on her favorite meal because Sir whats-his- name had to go tattling to her father. And now she had to share her bed with this Kermit-clone! No way. In a rage, she scooped up the frog and threw him against the far wall.
Now, I know what your thinking. “Somebody’s gonna have to clean up that mess.” But wait! That’s not what happened at all.
You see, when she slammed that frog up against the wall, he didn’t turn into an oozing slime ball - no - he changed into a handsome prince.
And, as you know, they fell in love and lived happily ever after.
But as Paul Harvey says “and now for the rest of the story.” You see what you don’t know - is that it was a set-up from the git-go. Her mother, the Queen, wanted to find the perfect husband for her daughter so she’d move out and the queen could convert her old room into her personal training center complete with spa and Jacuzzi. So she’s the one who hired the village witch to turn the prince into a frog. And she’s the one who coached her husband into what the princess must do once she refused to follow through on her promises. It was all because the Queen wanted her own space!
So the next time you read “The Frog Prince,” you will know the real story behind the story.
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